LMAO

Hammer...Don't hurt him ROTFL This shit is ho-ho-larius

Clink-Clink!

My sister called me today to tell me she'd just gotten out of jail. LMAO this girl is riding around in the suburbs with expired tags, no license and no insurance card. She didn't even know she was in jail until she got back home!! The officer tells her to follow him back to the station, then once they arrived they promptly impounded her car. Then they let her go on an i bond (I have no idea if I'm phrasing that right). The officer told her she had to show up in court on her court date or they would put a warrant out for her arrest, she says she asked the officer, you're kidding is it really that serious and after looking at her crazy for a moment he says YES!!

She got home and asked her boyfriend what an eyes bond was and he said fool you were in jail, this crazy girl didn't even know ROFL.

So in light of that story I thought of our other funny family jail moment....

My mother is probably the most law abiding citizen I know (besides the freebies she thrives on when the cashier at wal-mart forgets to charge her for something) she has never smoked, probably count the drinks she's had in her lifetime on one hand and has never ever done drugs; she's a sweetheart and super innocent and nice. So when I was about 11 and got a collect call from her to tell us she was in jail you can understand our surprise. Apparently she was down town waiting with a gang of people for the CTA bus (public transit for out-of-towners) and the bus pulls up full of people. She claims an plain clothes cop opened up the back door of the bus and started letting people on. Shortly after she got on the bus she and everyone that came on with her were hauled off the bus and put in a paddy wagon and arrested. LMAO this was NOT funny when she came home that night so we giggled and laughed in private until she got over it and now laughs at it too. The guy needless to say was not a plain clothes cop and he was also arrested. You have to know this woman to get the best of this story but trust the shit is still laugh out loud funny at every family function.

Dear Summer,

The leaves are falling there's a chill in the air and it's dark at 6:30pm; Chicago is cooling off. *sigh*

I wanted to take a moment to remember all the things that made my summer in no particular rhyme or reason:

1. Moving, yay us because after so many fights with the management company that leased the place my next step was probably to throw a trash can through their office window like I'm in Do the Right Thing. For real y'all this was the worst apartment I have had to date. The place was nice exactly what I wanted but I couldn't get important shit like ummm HEAT among other things. It was bad.

2. My husband's birthday weekend DAWG! Guess you had to be there but yeah that was definitly a highlight of the summer and probably all time.

3. Getting promo'd to Manager yay me still shining through the storm and getting mine. Can't nobody say I'm not a professional I don't care what that bitch trying to portray me as.

4. The beauty that is my family around 11:30pm on the 4th gone off a well stocked open bar. Keyshia Cole ain't got shit on me, trust. But we have a good time though and it's all love.

5. The Taste of Chicago, never gets old.

6. Shopping on State and Michigan comfortably, ditto. (Damn Macy's ruined State for me though, Carson's is gone too. Oh and they closed the Garrett's on Michigan, Daley really needs to start getting my approval on this shit for real. I run this city don't I? Oh wait no I just run my mouth *SMH)

7. Every dress, every sandal, every pair of shorts I could go on but you get it.

8. My baby niece and nephew's second and third birthday parties in June. It's Sydney's party she can cry if she want to. Wait she cried through both parties but that's okay she's a princess she can do what she wants.

9. My niece and nephew's eleventh and thirteenth birthday parties in September. My brother and sister apparently have their kids on a cycle of some sort. Yeah my baby girl turning thirteen kind of messed me up for a minute she's growing up.

10. Losing Cleo and finding Cleo.

11. All of my father's shows I was able to attend.

12. Family zoo day with my mom

13. Nightlife in Chicago and being able to leave the house in a dress and carrying only ID

14. Going all trading spaces and creating my niece a princess room with under 100 dollars. We spent the whole day (me, my mom, and my sister) searching through thrift stores and goodwill's for treasure and redecorated her room in pinks, purples, and yellows.

15. Chopping all my hair off into the cute neck length bob I'm rocking. I've never done anything that drastic my hair has been the same length (about 3 inches past my shoulders) since I was a kid. So to cut my hair so short was like a rebellion, against what I have no idea but, I felt like such a badass with newly short hair. (I'm growing it back out now though)

16. Losing 23 pounds and yet still maintaining the bounce. At my heaviest I was 168 and trust people this is coming from a girl that was 98 pounds soaking wet with Timb's on until she was 22. But now I am comfortable hovering around 140 give or take a pound or the trips to Chicago's Chicken and Waffles. And, I was determined not to lose my curves so the booty is still intact.

17. Countless nights on the back porch with my hubby a bottle of Pinot Noir for me and vodka martinis for him, the fur balls, music and just us.

18. UV rays (they get such a bad rap)

19. Dining al fresco wherever but my fave is Uncle Julio's


I'm sure there are memories I'm missing but I will miss this summer and every one I've been fortunate enough to live. So bring on the snow, sleet and hail Chicago, even though I know she'll throw in a few more nice days before Halloween so we don't feel too bad about it. I love it when she does that :-)

Pimp Down!!

So I didn't make it through work today, and if you have been reading the previous posts, you can understand why I don't feel bad for leaving early. I feel like crap and I took theraflu but it's not making me feel better. I absolutely HATE being sick because I get ugly sick. I try to stay away from people when I'm sick because y'all, I get UGLY sick. So ugly that I have to tell this story to explain. When I turned 21 and I needed my license renewed I kept putting it off and putting it off until the deadline hit and my Mom gave me the Mrs. Boss stare down and told me to get my ass to the secretary of state immediately. Well on this particular day I was just on the other side of a battle with the stomach flu (and actually this post is therapeutic because I remember that shit and I thought for a while there, as I was hugging the toilet and camping on the bathroom floor, that I would die and it kind of makes this feel like cake). So, I'm busted, y'all BUSTED standing in the Secretary of State with the chills shivering like Halle in Loosing Isiah to get my new picture taken with the over 21 background. Long story short my ugly sick face was forever captured in the State of Illinois database and on my license.

So now every time I go out and the bouncer checks my ID at the door it never fails, they always look at the picture and at me and back at the picture and say "Damn". It's so bad that I'm like embarrassed to show it in stores when they ask for my ID for credit card purchases. I was in the airport just recently and a friendly security guy was flirting with me while checking my ticket and ID to go through security, he was in the middle of another compliment when his eyes fell on that picture and his eyes snapped back up to my face and this fool had the nerve to ask had I had surgery! About a year ago I lost my purse in the midst of a shopping frenzy in Target and after I cried my damsel in distress act in the parking lot it dawned on me like hey, stupid you lost that horrible license you get to get a new one. So my husband and I went to the Secretary of State and I got extra fly, did my hair cute. Got the most of the money I've given Sephora and did a professional worthy make-up look that would work well with the exceptional lighting they use to take the license photos. So I get up to the counter and the old hag at that station asked what I wanted, looks at me from head to toe and says "You know you can't take a new picture for a lost license, right?" I fronted like I knew that and I actually get this perfect to run errands all the time, flashed her a patented black girl thank-you-bitch smile and moved on. My husband laughed at me the whole way out of the place cause my fly pretty ass just went and picked up an ugly ass license. Damn Secretary of State.

So here's to my immune system, may it get it's shit together soon so I can go outside again without the fear of scaring small children.

Gross

I saw this on my way to the airport this morning. You can't see all of what it says but it's a sign for some social club's annual fish & shrimp boil in River Forest. Now I have never had the pleasure of eating boiled shrimp and fish but that shit sounds like Ugh

Wipeout!!

Is the funniest ish I have seen is a while, Jacob Mann ROFL.




And after all this they had that nigga passing out tacos on the top 25 moments show last night. My man Jacob couldn't even come up on stage.