The Alchemist

Twice in my life I’ve run into the right book at the right time. I’ve read a lot of things that have taught me something new or enlightened my mind but it’s a feeling you get when you read something so profound that just clicks on a light in your brain, that’s what I’ve had two times. The first time was in 2001 when I read For the Time Being by Annie Dillard, I won’t go into that now cause I’ll go off in a tangent, and this time it is the Alchemist. I haven’t gotten that far only to page 67 so don’t worry about spoilers anyone (and if you haven’t gotten to page 67 stop reading now) but already I have that click. The story is about a shepherd boy who abandons all he knows and has to go off in search of his Personal Legend. In the story he runs into a King who explains to him that everyone has a Personal Legend waiting for them to realize it and once you set your wants on something the universe will set things in motion for you to get it. This is an extremely vague summary of this story so far but this is the basis of the point I’m trying to make. Now I have read the Secret by Rhonda Bryne and I do believe in invoking positivity to attract the things I want and the power of that but the perspective of that concept Paul Coelho creates is an eye opener for me. I wonder all the time if I’m preventing myself from realizing my dreams because I can’t step out on that faith and not depend so much on the things I “need” to have to make me, me. I actively “pursue” all of my dreams. I put pursue in quotations because I know, because I can be honest with myself, that I don’t even live up to half my potential while pursuing those dreams and I know that’s a result of me clinging to what I know instead of reaching for what I could have. I dream of having 2 things at this point in my life:

Creative Freedom: I want to write so bad. And I have; I write for myself and for this both of which don’t really count because that’s so safe and I’ll never be able to know the feeling of someone else enjoying the words I wrote and knowing they were from me. This blog while offering me an outlet that was much needed is anonymous it’s me but it’s not me I could bear my soul to you and walk past you on the street and never know the difference. Not that I want fame for my creativity but I would like to know that feeling to stand and say yes that came from me. I’ve been writing since I was a little girl making up illustrated story books for my Dad to read and I’ve never stopped, books are my life line and words are my food so it’s always come natural to me to express myself in this way. I dream to go further with it though I dream for my own ISBN numbers. I dream of taking that step and submitting my work to literary agents and getting published. What’s holding me back? Fear of rejection, which is strange for me to admit because usually I could care less what people think or say but what I write is so personal to me, it’s with me. If someone said something harsh about it I’m not afraid to say it would hurt. I’m also afraid of not being accepted as a writer. I didn’t study anything that would lead me into that career, nothing on paper so that makes me apprehensive. In this book though the boy learns very fast that there is a language spoke by everyone and it’s a language of enthusiasm and wanting something of your own. So if I have the same passion as the next writer what’s stopping me?

Professional Freedom: Starting my own business is something that I've wanted to do seriously for the past 4 years. My idea is practical, realistic and I think it has true potential. I've been working on my business plan for about 2 months and my brainstorm is begining to evolve into a blueprint. So what's holding me back? Fear of losing or drastically decreasing my current lifestyle. Fear of failure, get this, fear of sucess. Is that strange? Let me explain that. I wrote a young adult novel about 4 girls and I have so much more of their story to tell I can feel another story in me maybe even more. But I worry that if i achieve sucess with the first one maybe my creativity machine will dry up and I won't be able to produce. But again that's a limitation I place on myself.

Stepping out on faith for me means fully relying on the talents I have and taking the road I know in my heart and desire is right. The career I have now jobs I've had have only been stepping stones to learn and grow on until I reach my dream.

Dear Mr. President

Dear Mr. President,

You have cracked my view of America and for that I am grateful. I have grown to have a sick sense of comfort in living the wrong way because although I had hoped I never dreamed things could be right. I have lived in this country feeling like a visitor, a stranger, a refuge placed here under a system and a constitution that called me an incomplete person. I have cried here many times but the first tear of joy fell on your victory. As I have said before I don’t trust politicians, I am not a hypocrite; I am a radical so I still must hold to my own beliefs but you Mr. President changed history and anyone that can’t raise their hand to that has no pulse. My people came here in shackles and you are now standing amongst the men who once ruled over a country that condoned that fact. How strange this feels to know your face will be next to theirs in history.

Because of what I believe I have never encouraged integration, I have never felt that we needed to strive to be with them, do what they do and have what they have. I have however encouraged segregation to give Us a chance to repair our wounds without feeling the need to taint our race with their opinions and rules. But when I saw those thousands of people in Grant Park, in my city together I realized that this is not the same country that hardened me.

My niece has a white friend. I have censored myself from discouraging that relationship because I don’t want to teach her hate but I have to be honest and admit that I didn’t like it. I grew up in Englewood in Chicago, and for those of you who have never had the pleasure I will tell you Chicago was so segregated in some areas to see a white person growing up, who didn’t work in my school, was like an oddity. I grew in that segregated world never wanting to mix and even guarding myself and my secrets from these outsiders. She did not grow up in that world, for so long I feared for her future because of that but now I envy her for it. Not because I want white friends, because I feel that those youth who didn’t grow up with the barriers that I did achieved something in you Mr. President that I don’t think I can appreciate the way that they can. I see in you what I hoped for them and seeing that dream achieved is where my appreciation lies.

I have never expected much from the government before you, before you snatched that carrot off the stick we’ve been chasing for decades. I have never ever supported this “democracy”, because of you I can now remove my sarcastic quotes, democracy. I have never believed that following this system will lead us to our destination. My militant way of thinking has always steered me clear of this government and political system allowing me only to visit every now and then to vote and pay homage to those who tried to change things before me but now as I watched you break 300 in electoral votes, hope glimmered just a bit in that corner of my mind where I have dumped the lost causes. Because I still must hold up my end of the bargain for my people and fight for what is right; because I will hold you to your word and we may disagree, I will thank you now. I will thank you for a feeling I have never had, pride in the country I live in. Thank you.

The people are sovereign in America and because of what we did last night I can speak that statement as truth.

Are you happy?

When you think about your life and all you want to do and have, are you living the life you hoped for? Are you following your dreams? Are you happy?

Confessions of a Bookworm

If I was lost on a deserted island I would want to take the complete inventory of Borders store and the contents of the Vatican Library with me. I love words, it's an obsession I have had since as far back as I can remember and the love affair has only deepened. I read at least two to three books simultaneously at all times. I keep one by my bed, one by the kitchen table and one in my purse so I always have words with me. There are no limitations on my mind when I toss it in a book. I don't need anything but words to transport me off to a far away land or back in time even into the future. I can experience life through the eyes of so many different people and walk in their shoes. Books are the greatest treasure I've ever been given, I started keeping a current list of what I'm reading over to the left so I can share the gift of words with all who care and maybe I'll get a good conversation out of the deal too.

Words To Live By

“Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see.”

Ben Franklin


Don't let anyone dictate to you your own truth. Knowledge should be sought not fed.

Obama vs. McCain vs. Us

I see the wires are already buzzing about the debate yesterday so I thought I would dedicate one post to this election.

If you notice I try very hard to stay away from politics in this blog, 1. Because I try not to avoid disagreements about those things and 2. I am a bit hard to understand in that arena because of the beliefs and views I have.

I don't trust politicians; Black, white or whatever I don't trust them. I am however pleasantly surprised and a bit confused as to how a Black man could and has gotten to the final race and because of that this race intrigues me. Don't get me wrong I am not taking away from him in any way. I think he deserves the spot he has worked for but I can not ignore the realistic view of america and how Our people are treated here. Everyday this country turns a blind eye to injustice and at the same time this country allows a Black man to possibly control it; I'm sorry if that's suspect to me but it is.

But here is the fact of the matter, there are hundreds of thousands of little black faces looking to him with hope that I have wished for them for a long time. Growing up in this society is hard for Our children. REAL role models are few and far between and the media projects so many negative and derogatory images on these kids it's a battle for them to find an identity in all that and it's sad. I have in the past attacked BET and still do for this fact alone. But regardless of who he is and what he will be and become the fact still stands that my nephews can see in him that you can reach higher than the studio and higher than the rim. That's what's important to me so that's what I will focus on.

Anyone involved with or working with a government with it's foot on my neck I don't trust. A government that allows the media to run rampant with negative images, propaganda, blatant racism, consumerism promotion, intellectual starvation and demoralization is not a government with my best interest at heart. And I do believe that that's where the brunt of america's problems originate. To see that neither candidate has addressed this from what I know (I could be wrong and I'm okay with that if you want to call me on it) makes me sad.

Part of the reason this country is in this financial state because of consumerism and I am guilty of that too. Everyone is searching and craving this "american dream" so We buy the house We couldn't afford in two lifetimes and the cars We don't need. This culture thrives on big bigger biggest and now We must reap what We sowed. I have heard the finger pointing going every which way to the banks that allowed the loans when they new they shouldn't, the mortgage companies, real estate market and so on but how about pointing the finger back at Us.

What makes you want that big house? So much that you would go into a contract knowing you can't hold up your end. What makes you rack up credit card debt till your eyes cross when you know your annual salary can't cover the bill. Why do We do these things, I have a theory maybe it's what We see, hear and are told. Who says to be respected and have status you have to have a fancy house and nice car? When did substance go out the window? I turn on the TV and see expensive things I can't afford, I'm assaulted with commercials and ads for all this shit I HAVE to have and then I turn to the news to learn what drugs I need to be on, that black men are still scary and coffee which would do wonders for my heart yesterday will kill me 20 years premature today.

The country in a whole is in turmoil but individual decisions have created crisis on a local level. We make the decision not to save money (and when I say We I mean Us not them remember that for future reference if you're going to read what I write) We make the decision to fall into the credit trap and We live beyond our means. I do understand the job shortage but at the same time that's not a cop out either. We make the decision to take the money We earn outside of the community and give it back to them, We could have made the decision to keep that money amongst Us and created our own jobs but lack of trust of one another, lack of the "leader" We don't need and the media made Us choose not to do that. Obama is a leader, obviously, but it saddens me that still after all these years of struggle for a people that has proved resilient and intelligent enough to survive still feels We need one man to tell Us things can change.

I walk through my neighborhood and see Obama t-shirts, buttons, flip flops (seriously) and I’m so perplexed why did it take so long if We can come together like this why did We wait. Is it solely on the strength of him? That’s a lot of weight for one man to carry no matter how great. I don’t want a quick fix because slapping a band aid on a wound this big would be a futile gesture but I don’t want bullshit promises either. You know that statement JFK made ask not what your country can do for you yadda yadda yadda, it takes on a whole new meaning for me now that I’m older. I don’t care what Obama or McCain can do for my people I only care about what I can do for them. I care about all of Us making a conscious decision to dedicate themselves to Us and fixing Us the right way. Politicians and presidents have came and went but We still have a horrible financial methods, our homes are still broken, our children are still lost and We still don’t trust each other enough to (as a majority) choose to patronize a Black business before another. There is no fucking way those of Asian and European decent should be able to come into our neighborhoods and set up shop (wow I’m getting heated but I will let it flow). This is not because I’m racist by any means, it’s because I’m upset that there is a gapping whole in Our community’s economy for them to move in. We should own the restaurants, bodegas, corner stores, and clothing stores in our own neighborhoods. There is no fucking way Our boys and men should have this major negative view of Our females. But We do nothing to stop the ass shaking and booty popping plastered all over pop culture, We say nothing to these TV stations that are supposed to be Ours. Martin shut down a whole transit bus system and We can’t shut BET down till they switch their style up? We complain about how hard it is for the Black man in this society but We won’t sacrifice trying to keep up with the Jones to save the money to create business and jobs to employ them.

For too long We have complained and complained about what’s wrong but We need to turn the onus back on ourselves and bear that burden till We fix it. Tavis Smiley had the right idea with the Covenant but We can’t come together to get behind it. And it doesn’t have to be a collective, one by one We can change Our lives. I think that Obama represents a lot of what We need to see today but he is not THE answer, no one man is. Do I believe what he says he can and will do, no. Do I hope a pray every night that he can and will do what he says, you damn right. This one fact worries me, if he doesn’t win (which doesn’t seem likely but hypothetically) or if he doesn’t do what he says what will We do? Will We go back to waiting for this “leader” or will We continue to believe in change? Politicians have made Us promises before time and time again and I can’t understand why We have yet to stop depending on them and depend on Us. I wish, as talented We are, that We used our individual skills selflessly for one night a week. If you’re into finance give a budgeting and credit seminar for the neighborhood. Can you cook? Make breakfast or lunch for the kids in the neighborhood who come home to an empty house cause mom and dad are working. Can you build things, good with your hands? Start your own community reform. See where I’m going with this. We don’t need anybody to help Us We possess power, creativity, and intelligence in volumes.

Now I am anti-politics but I will urge each and every one of you to vote for somebody, I won’t endorse one or the other because I hope that We are not being told who to vote for because that defeats the purpose. I want everyone to look at the issues, the platforms, watch the debates, listen to the speeches and make a decision out of intelligence not out of the thought process of the masses. There are a great number of people who shed blood to give you the right to vote so you should accept that and view it as a gift.


Forgetting the past will only leave you empty don’t let them make you forget under the illusion of controlled freedom, fight because They did for you. This battle is far from won.


*Side Note* I posted this and then read my quote of the day to the left, crazy right? Check it out.

Maybe a Little Lauryn is What I Need ....

What is meant to be will be....

Blue Weekend

This was a blue weekend. I was super tired from the frenzy of training on Wed. and Thurs. so I slept away most of Friday and Saturday. But to make my weekend truly blue my Aunt came to visit 2 weeks late and that was a dirty trick. Secret out in the open, my husband and I have been trying for our first child since April of this year. I nixed the birth control at the end of March and we commenced the baby making. Unfortunately I never realized how painful this process is. It fucks with your mind, I've been on the pill for a little less than 10 years and my doctor explained the possibilities of how long it will actually take for my cycle to begin functioning normally without the pill. She told me it could take as long as a year or as short as a month but it's different for everybody. To prepare my body she put me on prenatal vitamins and I've been taking those plus another herbal supplement recommended to me that takes the place of birth control naturally regulating my cycle. So, after all this information and preparation I am fully aware of the time this may take but I still keep getting so frustrated.

I'm 25 and healthy and my husband is 27 so every time I even make mention of the disappointment I feel every month to the few people who know we're trying they always say, "don't worry about it you and your husband are healthy and young you won't have any problems" and brush it off like I'm tripping but this shit is really affecting me. My sister has two children and she keeps telling me to just not think about it, What?!?!? how do I just forget about it when this is something that we want so badly? Every time my monthly comes it's painful, because that's like a rude awakening to the fact that, nope it still didn't happen this time guys better luck next time. I always feel like I've failed, like I'm here for this reason and we did the right thing and waited till we were ready and anxious even and I can't do this. I doubt my womanhood and that's something I've never done before. How can one routine event, THE feminine monthly occurrence make me feel like less of a woman?

I feel so bad for my boo because sometimes I feel like he's an innocent bystander in the situation because it's like he does his part and it's left up to me, then when it doesn't happen he's there to pick up my pieces. The first 2 months he would check the calendars with me (we're tracking ovulation with calendars and numbers) and play the waiting game to see if my monthly would come. Now he's kind of backed off that portion and he only talks about it up until the ovulation date, then he leaves me alone. Knowing him it's because he doesn't want to add pressure to the situation by asking if it came or not. But then I feel like I'm not being fair to him because I know he's just as disappointed as I am every time, I want to try to be there for him like he is for me but I know I'm not.

So, this go round I was 11 days late. Honestly I didn't have any big expectations for this one because he and I had a falling out the week of ovulation and he was soooooo on punishment for like 3 days but when I checked the calendar and realized (because although it is infuriating I took my sister's advice to try to forget about it because I need all the help I can get) I was on my 9th day with no Auntie in sight, I let myself get carried away. I didn't tell my husband but I thought I was so sure (well I have all five times at this point) so Friday comes and boom it hits, no warning pain no mood swings, body aches, back aches nothing. It was like a fucking sneak attack and my world fell. I've never been that late before. I tried to play the tough roll like I always do and I just told him that it was a no-go for this time around too. He didn't push me for details or try to talk about it because he knows me too well not to know that would hurt to talk about but I still ended up on the couch most of Saturday crying. That put him in a tough situation because he wanted to stay with me but I sent him to work and cried it out by myself.

Every time I wish for the best, I try to eat the right foods and take care of my body right but something doesn't click. The only reason I'm blogging about this is because I can't talk about this weekend to anyone that knows because they'll just say I'm being silly and to give it time and I just don't want to hear that anymore. We'll keep trying because I know it's meant to be but I can't help being a little impatient to start our family. I'm so blue.

Wow, this shit should be recorded because this is the most I have opened up about this situation since we started trying. I try not to talk about something so private to us because if you read any of the above you can see that I'm all full up on emotion and I don't need anyone pissing me off and telling me I'm tripping to add to my mood right now. Oh well tomorrow's another day and another opportunity and we'll keep trying. I know in my heart it's meant to be and I know it has been since I first laid eyes on him I just have to be patient. *sigh

P.S. I'm tripping because who'd have thunk it, that I would be sitting sad and wishing for minivans and car seats. I've never been this girl, matter fact I've never wanted to be this girl. Look how love got me acting *SMDH*

Dear Summer,

The leaves are falling there's a chill in the air and it's dark at 6:30pm; Chicago is cooling off. *sigh*

I wanted to take a moment to remember all the things that made my summer in no particular rhyme or reason:

1. Moving, yay us because after so many fights with the management company that leased the place my next step was probably to throw a trash can through their office window like I'm in Do the Right Thing. For real y'all this was the worst apartment I have had to date. The place was nice exactly what I wanted but I couldn't get important shit like ummm HEAT among other things. It was bad.

2. My husband's birthday weekend DAWG! Guess you had to be there but yeah that was definitly a highlight of the summer and probably all time.

3. Getting promo'd to Manager yay me still shining through the storm and getting mine. Can't nobody say I'm not a professional I don't care what that bitch trying to portray me as.

4. The beauty that is my family around 11:30pm on the 4th gone off a well stocked open bar. Keyshia Cole ain't got shit on me, trust. But we have a good time though and it's all love.

5. The Taste of Chicago, never gets old.

6. Shopping on State and Michigan comfortably, ditto. (Damn Macy's ruined State for me though, Carson's is gone too. Oh and they closed the Garrett's on Michigan, Daley really needs to start getting my approval on this shit for real. I run this city don't I? Oh wait no I just run my mouth *SMH)

7. Every dress, every sandal, every pair of shorts I could go on but you get it.

8. My baby niece and nephew's second and third birthday parties in June. It's Sydney's party she can cry if she want to. Wait she cried through both parties but that's okay she's a princess she can do what she wants.

9. My niece and nephew's eleventh and thirteenth birthday parties in September. My brother and sister apparently have their kids on a cycle of some sort. Yeah my baby girl turning thirteen kind of messed me up for a minute she's growing up.

10. Losing Cleo and finding Cleo.

11. All of my father's shows I was able to attend.

12. Family zoo day with my mom

13. Nightlife in Chicago and being able to leave the house in a dress and carrying only ID

14. Going all trading spaces and creating my niece a princess room with under 100 dollars. We spent the whole day (me, my mom, and my sister) searching through thrift stores and goodwill's for treasure and redecorated her room in pinks, purples, and yellows.

15. Chopping all my hair off into the cute neck length bob I'm rocking. I've never done anything that drastic my hair has been the same length (about 3 inches past my shoulders) since I was a kid. So to cut my hair so short was like a rebellion, against what I have no idea but, I felt like such a badass with newly short hair. (I'm growing it back out now though)

16. Losing 23 pounds and yet still maintaining the bounce. At my heaviest I was 168 and trust people this is coming from a girl that was 98 pounds soaking wet with Timb's on until she was 22. But now I am comfortable hovering around 140 give or take a pound or the trips to Chicago's Chicken and Waffles. And, I was determined not to lose my curves so the booty is still intact.

17. Countless nights on the back porch with my hubby a bottle of Pinot Noir for me and vodka martinis for him, the fur balls, music and just us.

18. UV rays (they get such a bad rap)

19. Dining al fresco wherever but my fave is Uncle Julio's


I'm sure there are memories I'm missing but I will miss this summer and every one I've been fortunate enough to live. So bring on the snow, sleet and hail Chicago, even though I know she'll throw in a few more nice days before Halloween so we don't feel too bad about it. I love it when she does that :-)

Apple to Tree Ratio

A survey I posted a while back and a situation that exploded in my house last night made me realize something about myself. I have a lot of rage in me. I recently realized how many of my emotions, sadness, hurt, fear, uncertainty and the list goes on, I can turn into rage or anger and that’s crazy because I considered myself a happy person. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism, because I have been told many times that I can be defensive. As much as I don’t want to I can’t help but relate the rage and anger I have realized I create to my father. It’s not a secret to anyone that knows my family that my brother and I inherited the notorious temper of my father. I know how far I can go when provoked and I am well aware of what it takes from someone else to get me there but to realize I’m creating those feelings out of other emotions is a scary thought.

Just recently, the why of this I haven’t yet figured out, I’ve found myself wanting to understand him more. I’ve been thinking about all the questions and doubt I have had for so long more often but only just recently have I actually wanted answers. I can’t help but think that this revelation I have had about myself is a way of the universe providing me with a piece of what I have been asking for. All my life I believed him to be this angry, vengeful person. And I believed those flaws came from selfishness and just pure nastiness but I never thought that maybe that was his defensive mechanism too. Maybe he channeled his feelings into that temper like I do. It’s crazy to be so much like him, I’ve always recognized the similarities cause shit he has my face or vice versa, but character traits and flaws, mannerisms, motives those are the things that freak me out. Because I’m taking this enlightenment as a gift it gives me hope that the questions I have will be answered or at least explained enough so I can put them to rest but, they will come in their own time and fashion. I can’t rush it, or force it, or get mad because I don’t know right now cause it will be a waste of time. I’ll take that connection between me and him and try to understand his ways, and maybe even eventually be a peace with it.

The Blame Game

Few people blame themselves until they have exhausted all other possibilities. Francis Duffy

Accepting blame is a hard thing to do. I’ve only recently, after 20 some odd years of living, began to start looking at the girl in the mirror while (and notice I said while) placing the blame on someone else. With every action there is a reaction and with every effect there has to be a cause so most of the time when something has “happened” to me in my life I am wise enough now to begin to see the part I played in the series of events. I’m really good at crying the blues. I’m not sorry about that but it is something that I know I do it’s a character trait. I’m the baby of my immediate family and the youngest of most of my first and second cousins and because of this most of my family members especially the men treat me like a baby. I honestly don’t remember when I stopped using that to my advantage out of reflex or purpose but however so, it works when I cry people come running. I think because I’ve been doing this for so long apparently I’m good at it because I have the same effect on boyfriends and friends. Even now with my husband we could fight about something that I’m completely to blame for and I cry damsel in distress and POOF he’s apologizing. But see I realized that this doesn’t necessarily work in my advantage because I can’t grow from that. I hardly ever had to accept blame or fault for my actions, it was always someone else’s fault because they should have been watching me or told me better. I have been taught remorse and humility well, because even though I was raised spoiled my mother and father also raised me with values, but it’s one thing to learn and another to experience.

The lessons that I have learned the best have been those that came with living with “tough shit that’s the way it is so deal” situations. The strongest lessons have been those that no body could swoop in and save me from, the ones that I had to deal with and accept the role that I played in their occurrence. Before I fell madly in love with my husband I was extremely guarded and I almost missed my mate because of it. I carried a wall around me because I was so scarred by my ex and the relationship we had. In the 6 years we spent together there were so many fights, cheating, hurtful words and actions and everything that love is not that you can think of. Most of the things were performed by him; I was devoted, dedicated, loyal and even doting at times, accepting everything he did. After so much hurt and embarrassment I finally broke it off and that was that but I still carried around all of the past around me like a shield and trust it was visible for miles, I blamed him for that. We have since dealt with the pass and buried it. I needed to close that off from my heart and with that came a couple conversations with him just getting it all off my chest. He apologized and rightfully so, the person that he was, we were, he isn’t any more and he realizes now he was wrong. But after I gave myself the freedom of forgiving him I came to the realization that I was to blame in the situation as well. When he cheated I could have walked but I stayed. When he did awful things to me that fucked with my spirit and self esteem I could have left him but I didn’t. He told me through his actions with a volume equivalent of him screaming it through a megaphone that he was no good for me and I needed to leave but I didn’t listen, and for that I am to blame. A person can only do to you what you allow, in most situations. But back to the quote that sparked this blog today excepting blame is important but I think there is something purely humane in learning to share the burden in addition to forgiving those who have wronged you.

I'm Not One to Perpetuate Rumors But...

They do look alike...

I'm just saying...

Hmmm...

I wonder how many white foster and adopted children are placed in Black families, I would be interested in seeing the numbers on that.