One Man's Trash is Another Man's Treasure

My Dad’s birthday is today, although I can’t see him until this weekend I called this morning to wish him well and tell him I miss him like crazy. I love my dad to pieces he’s been everything I want and didn’t know I needed since he came into our lives and I’m so grateful for that.

When we moved in with him, wow, over 10 years ago we were in such a bad place I’m shocked he stuck around with us. My Mom and I were going through what all teenaged daughters and their mother’s go through times 10 because my Mom and my real Dad had just recently split and I was carted from the south side of Chicago to the freaking boondocks in the suburbs. Culture shock is an understatement, seriously I woke up in Mayberry and I was neither happy nor quiet about it. Things were really rough those first couple years but my Dad stuck with us, we were his “girls” no matter what. The fights my Mom and I had should be recorded as some of the greatest battles in history. I got kicked out, arrested, caught up with the wrong crowds, partied all night, hardly ever went to school, fought girls, fought boys and dated all the guys that parents hope their daughters never give the time of day and he stuck by us. He was so patient and understanding because he knew how scarred we all were and now that we’re kind of better (some wounds never heal) I can fully appreciate him as my Father, no step just Father.

When my real Dad finally left it was in handcuffs. I was 13 going on 30 and I remember listening to my Mom scream up and down the street as he chased her and struck her up and down the block we’ve lived on all our lives (still do). I had my baby niece that night so by the time I realized it was her screaming I still couldn’t get to her but my brother did. He also left in handcuffs that night because he got to my Dad before the police so you can put 2 and 2 together there. All my life he had been my teacher and my best friend. My Dad and I would sit for hours on end talking about everything under the sun and then some. He taught me all he’d known about religion and race, politics, history he was an intelligent man and I admired everything about me that was remotely similar to him. He was the one who taught me the answers to all the questions I will ever have are in books. It was no secret in our family that we had a special relationship and connection he just didn’t have with the other kids, I was his baby girl. But on that day when I sat on the porch with a crying baby girl and watched my family fall apart he washed his hands of me too.

This wasn’t the first time he’d hit her but this was the first time the police knew. When I was a kid and I came home with the standard 911 emergency coloring book that teaches kids how to go for help my Dad told me if I ever called a cop to our house I’d be sorry and we all understood that. Police were a no, no. So when he used to hit her all we could do was watch, hell sometimes he made us watch. He kept guns all over the house, a shotgun at the front door in plain sight and always a handgun under his pillow. Long after he was gone we searched the house and found so many more that we had no idea he had. Still after the terror and the abuse he was still my only friend, I was too young for the most part, to know what he was really about.

So, he left. My uncles came around to make sure of that, they had no idea of the kind of life we were living he isolated her from her family and friends to the point where no body knew the real deal. I was team “Momma” all the way so there was never any question of who I’d stay with but all in all he was a bad husband to her but a good Dad to me in a sense so I still wanted him in my life. She even came to me at one point and said what’s between me and him is just that and I don’t want that shaping your decisions. He was closest to me out of the three of us so I knew for sure he’d want me but he didn’t. He didn’t call, try to see me or anything. My Granny lives literally 6 blocks from our house and he’d go there on a regular basis my Granddad said he wouldn’t even ask about me. It stings just a bit now but not really so much anymore.

So, life goes on and I grew up some more. I tried to contact him, got a cell number so I didn’t have to give out the new house number when we moved in with my other Dad but he still didn’t call. He would stop by and see my brother and sister all the time but not me. They passed along my messages and my digits and he disregarded them. Graduation and prom rolled around and I invited him but he didn’t show. Started spreading some bullshit rumor saying my Mom told him to stay away but it wasn’t true. I got really sick with kidney infections shortly after I graduated and ended up in the hospital, I called for him and he responded the first time in almost 4 years only to tell me that my Mom owes him 45k and how sneaky she is. After that I gave up. I figured if he doesn’t want me that’s cool you can’t force love on anyone so I gave up. Around that time my Dad that I live with now came to me and told me that he would be my Dad and he’s proud to be and that’s the greatest gift I’ve ever received.

My real Dad still has strong relationships with my brother and sister but he still won’t have anything to do with me. On those rare occasions we do cross paths he’s always careful to tell me as quickly as possible that he doesn’t have any money like that’s what this is about. He went to jail about 2 years ago on a bullshit charge that let him out 60 days later but the crazy thing about that is I just didn’t care. Even my Mom checked into the shit to make sure he wasn’t sitting down for some years or something but me I didn’t care in the least bit. I saw him a little while after he was released and he gave me a Biggie CD as a late Christmas gift, yeah thanks. I still don’t know why he divorced me, he was my best friend and I was caught in the middle but no child deserves to be cast off like trash. I found out recently that before he came to Chicago and met my mom, he left a wife and a family of six kids (all his biologically) in the south. I go back and forth in between wanting to contact them or not but for now I take it as consolation that I’m not the only kid he didn’t want, if that makes sense.

My Dad, my Father was at my graduation, he took pictures at my prom, drove me to college for the first time, let me cry on his shoulder when I first got my heartbroken and he’s proud of everything I’ve ever done. He is my rainbow after the storm and I can’t appreciate him enough for making me feel like somebody wanted me.

Happy Birthday Daddy, I love you too the moon and back!!!

In Somebody Else's Bed

It's not what you think I'm in a hotel :-)

My travels for the day are finally over and after a less than appetizing dinner from Olive Garden (WTF, I'm in Canton, OH. No disrespect Ohio dwellers) I'm ready for bed chilling watching the Notebook. Seriously I so should not be watching this right now because it breaks me apart errrtime and on top of that I'm missing my husband. I always miss him like crazy when I'm on the road. So much of our lives are wrapped up in each other it's like I'm half of me when he's not around that shit is crazy.

He did call and give me the guilt trip again a minute ago because he deals with our separations that way, no hard feelings I just know that's how he is. I try to keep my trips to two to three days tops so it's not that bad but sleeping is hard as hell with out my strength wrapped around me. Our 2 year anniversary is Saturday and it already feels like a lifetime. My girl asked me if I ever worry about it fading you know when we're 40 and tripping off the mid life and all that shit and I don't. I look forward to maturing with him, hell I look forward to helping him look for his teeth when we're 80 I just know. I just knew when we chose each other for life, he's part of me. That's the thing about love, it just turns you out.

So I have two 4 hour training sessions tomorrow so I hope my voice can hold up for the long haul. The worst part about training is the blank stares you get when you fish for feedback and questions. You just feel like a dumb ass standing there like "Questions, Comments?" *crickets* Oh and get this the training is about diversity so how bout that this little black girl training all of these people on diversity at a time like this. I'm so much younger than most of the people in the company and I have a position of authority so people already have a problem accepting me so for me to come around talking about race, ethnicity and cultural differences among others is a trip to me. That will be my little inside amusement to help me through this long day. I just realized how much more optimistic and upbeat I am when I'm on the road as opposed to being in the office with all those birds and bitches. I've never been confused at where my unhappiness in my work comes from but when I'm away I realize more and more how they affect my mood and performance. I really need to get out of there, I can't stay on the road and sacrifice my family and I can't continue to work there and sacrifice my sanity. My husband finishes school in November and following that we'll have the resources for me to pursue my dreams and that's just what I'm gonna do. We talked about again this evening and he's anxious to repay the favor for taking the lead lately while he's struggling with school. I don't plan on staying home for long though just long enough to focus 100% on building my business and my family.

So, I can't wait for November cause that's my month of happiness. My 25th B-Day squared is on the 12th and my baby will realize his dream in the last week of November. Scorpios stand y'all freaky asses up LOL

Blue Weekend

This was a blue weekend. I was super tired from the frenzy of training on Wed. and Thurs. so I slept away most of Friday and Saturday. But to make my weekend truly blue my Aunt came to visit 2 weeks late and that was a dirty trick. Secret out in the open, my husband and I have been trying for our first child since April of this year. I nixed the birth control at the end of March and we commenced the baby making. Unfortunately I never realized how painful this process is. It fucks with your mind, I've been on the pill for a little less than 10 years and my doctor explained the possibilities of how long it will actually take for my cycle to begin functioning normally without the pill. She told me it could take as long as a year or as short as a month but it's different for everybody. To prepare my body she put me on prenatal vitamins and I've been taking those plus another herbal supplement recommended to me that takes the place of birth control naturally regulating my cycle. So, after all this information and preparation I am fully aware of the time this may take but I still keep getting so frustrated.

I'm 25 and healthy and my husband is 27 so every time I even make mention of the disappointment I feel every month to the few people who know we're trying they always say, "don't worry about it you and your husband are healthy and young you won't have any problems" and brush it off like I'm tripping but this shit is really affecting me. My sister has two children and she keeps telling me to just not think about it, What?!?!? how do I just forget about it when this is something that we want so badly? Every time my monthly comes it's painful, because that's like a rude awakening to the fact that, nope it still didn't happen this time guys better luck next time. I always feel like I've failed, like I'm here for this reason and we did the right thing and waited till we were ready and anxious even and I can't do this. I doubt my womanhood and that's something I've never done before. How can one routine event, THE feminine monthly occurrence make me feel like less of a woman?

I feel so bad for my boo because sometimes I feel like he's an innocent bystander in the situation because it's like he does his part and it's left up to me, then when it doesn't happen he's there to pick up my pieces. The first 2 months he would check the calendars with me (we're tracking ovulation with calendars and numbers) and play the waiting game to see if my monthly would come. Now he's kind of backed off that portion and he only talks about it up until the ovulation date, then he leaves me alone. Knowing him it's because he doesn't want to add pressure to the situation by asking if it came or not. But then I feel like I'm not being fair to him because I know he's just as disappointed as I am every time, I want to try to be there for him like he is for me but I know I'm not.

So, this go round I was 11 days late. Honestly I didn't have any big expectations for this one because he and I had a falling out the week of ovulation and he was soooooo on punishment for like 3 days but when I checked the calendar and realized (because although it is infuriating I took my sister's advice to try to forget about it because I need all the help I can get) I was on my 9th day with no Auntie in sight, I let myself get carried away. I didn't tell my husband but I thought I was so sure (well I have all five times at this point) so Friday comes and boom it hits, no warning pain no mood swings, body aches, back aches nothing. It was like a fucking sneak attack and my world fell. I've never been that late before. I tried to play the tough roll like I always do and I just told him that it was a no-go for this time around too. He didn't push me for details or try to talk about it because he knows me too well not to know that would hurt to talk about but I still ended up on the couch most of Saturday crying. That put him in a tough situation because he wanted to stay with me but I sent him to work and cried it out by myself.

Every time I wish for the best, I try to eat the right foods and take care of my body right but something doesn't click. The only reason I'm blogging about this is because I can't talk about this weekend to anyone that knows because they'll just say I'm being silly and to give it time and I just don't want to hear that anymore. We'll keep trying because I know it's meant to be but I can't help being a little impatient to start our family. I'm so blue.

Wow, this shit should be recorded because this is the most I have opened up about this situation since we started trying. I try not to talk about something so private to us because if you read any of the above you can see that I'm all full up on emotion and I don't need anyone pissing me off and telling me I'm tripping to add to my mood right now. Oh well tomorrow's another day and another opportunity and we'll keep trying. I know in my heart it's meant to be and I know it has been since I first laid eyes on him I just have to be patient. *sigh

P.S. I'm tripping because who'd have thunk it, that I would be sitting sad and wishing for minivans and car seats. I've never been this girl, matter fact I've never wanted to be this girl. Look how love got me acting *SMDH*

Apple to Tree Ratio

A survey I posted a while back and a situation that exploded in my house last night made me realize something about myself. I have a lot of rage in me. I recently realized how many of my emotions, sadness, hurt, fear, uncertainty and the list goes on, I can turn into rage or anger and that’s crazy because I considered myself a happy person. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism, because I have been told many times that I can be defensive. As much as I don’t want to I can’t help but relate the rage and anger I have realized I create to my father. It’s not a secret to anyone that knows my family that my brother and I inherited the notorious temper of my father. I know how far I can go when provoked and I am well aware of what it takes from someone else to get me there but to realize I’m creating those feelings out of other emotions is a scary thought.

Just recently, the why of this I haven’t yet figured out, I’ve found myself wanting to understand him more. I’ve been thinking about all the questions and doubt I have had for so long more often but only just recently have I actually wanted answers. I can’t help but think that this revelation I have had about myself is a way of the universe providing me with a piece of what I have been asking for. All my life I believed him to be this angry, vengeful person. And I believed those flaws came from selfishness and just pure nastiness but I never thought that maybe that was his defensive mechanism too. Maybe he channeled his feelings into that temper like I do. It’s crazy to be so much like him, I’ve always recognized the similarities cause shit he has my face or vice versa, but character traits and flaws, mannerisms, motives those are the things that freak me out. Because I’m taking this enlightenment as a gift it gives me hope that the questions I have will be answered or at least explained enough so I can put them to rest but, they will come in their own time and fashion. I can’t rush it, or force it, or get mad because I don’t know right now cause it will be a waste of time. I’ll take that connection between me and him and try to understand his ways, and maybe even eventually be a peace with it.

The Blame Game

Few people blame themselves until they have exhausted all other possibilities. Francis Duffy

Accepting blame is a hard thing to do. I’ve only recently, after 20 some odd years of living, began to start looking at the girl in the mirror while (and notice I said while) placing the blame on someone else. With every action there is a reaction and with every effect there has to be a cause so most of the time when something has “happened” to me in my life I am wise enough now to begin to see the part I played in the series of events. I’m really good at crying the blues. I’m not sorry about that but it is something that I know I do it’s a character trait. I’m the baby of my immediate family and the youngest of most of my first and second cousins and because of this most of my family members especially the men treat me like a baby. I honestly don’t remember when I stopped using that to my advantage out of reflex or purpose but however so, it works when I cry people come running. I think because I’ve been doing this for so long apparently I’m good at it because I have the same effect on boyfriends and friends. Even now with my husband we could fight about something that I’m completely to blame for and I cry damsel in distress and POOF he’s apologizing. But see I realized that this doesn’t necessarily work in my advantage because I can’t grow from that. I hardly ever had to accept blame or fault for my actions, it was always someone else’s fault because they should have been watching me or told me better. I have been taught remorse and humility well, because even though I was raised spoiled my mother and father also raised me with values, but it’s one thing to learn and another to experience.

The lessons that I have learned the best have been those that came with living with “tough shit that’s the way it is so deal” situations. The strongest lessons have been those that no body could swoop in and save me from, the ones that I had to deal with and accept the role that I played in their occurrence. Before I fell madly in love with my husband I was extremely guarded and I almost missed my mate because of it. I carried a wall around me because I was so scarred by my ex and the relationship we had. In the 6 years we spent together there were so many fights, cheating, hurtful words and actions and everything that love is not that you can think of. Most of the things were performed by him; I was devoted, dedicated, loyal and even doting at times, accepting everything he did. After so much hurt and embarrassment I finally broke it off and that was that but I still carried around all of the past around me like a shield and trust it was visible for miles, I blamed him for that. We have since dealt with the pass and buried it. I needed to close that off from my heart and with that came a couple conversations with him just getting it all off my chest. He apologized and rightfully so, the person that he was, we were, he isn’t any more and he realizes now he was wrong. But after I gave myself the freedom of forgiving him I came to the realization that I was to blame in the situation as well. When he cheated I could have walked but I stayed. When he did awful things to me that fucked with my spirit and self esteem I could have left him but I didn’t. He told me through his actions with a volume equivalent of him screaming it through a megaphone that he was no good for me and I needed to leave but I didn’t listen, and for that I am to blame. A person can only do to you what you allow, in most situations. But back to the quote that sparked this blog today excepting blame is important but I think there is something purely humane in learning to share the burden in addition to forgiving those who have wronged you.

Damn, I love my Hubby

It always feels good to come home to him after I'm out of town. Just hugging him after not seeing him for a day makes me melt.

Growing vs. Changing

My Ex, keeps telling me I’ve changed. I think some background is needed here, my ex and I did a 6 year bid together (LOL well it felt like jail for me ) and I was released 2 years ago. We still tolerate each other every now and then because aside from all the nastiness we are good friends, because he and I were linked through music, movies, and politics but mostly music. So we’ve been talking a lot lately about some businesses he wants to get into and he keeps telling me I’ve changed.

This all started when he realized I didn’t have Nas new cd (which I still didn’t get till last weekend) and he accused me of not loving Hip Hop anymore. He says I’m different, I’m not street anymore and my corporate job has me trippin’. I go back and forth between him being right or wrong. I mean to be honest I don’t love Hip Hop like I used to. Wow I can’t believe I wrote that, it’s sacrilegious. It more than annoys me now because of the state of things. I boycotted the radio about a year and a half ago and videos shortly after that, being that the media controlled artists have that shit on lock. I can’t see another chain, or grill or vixen it’s tiring and sad. I still try to stay on top of my game but it’s not like I used to be, I used to have quotables from anything listen worthy weeks before it dropped but now it takes me weeks to get a Nas joint? What’s really hood? Hip Hop is a huge part of me and now that it’s in the shitter and we’ve been separated for a while now (Lupe Fiasco is the one reason I haven’t filed for divorce) what does that make me today? I haven’t changed, I don’t think, my better half has.

I feel like I’m having an identity crisis every time he goes hard on me about this. Today he mentioned LL and I said James dropping a new joint is wearing me out, he said I’ve changed. 4 years ago I would have never said anything negative about LL cause I remember the good days but today I’m tired of the lip licking and the romance. I know Ladies have Loved James being that way for a long time so if he hasn’t changed does that mean I have? I’ve grown up a lot and I hoped Hip Hop would continue to grow with me but some of the shit I hear today makes me want to turn my back on it completely. This hurts too much to think about, hold ya heads…