The Blues

This morning like every morning is hard. And because the peacock was crazy yesterday I know from experience that today will only be worse. I feel like I'm whining about this but for real I need to get out of there cause it's affecting my spirit at this point.

The only reason I haven't flat out quit is because we still have at least 2-3 months until my hubby finishes school which will make us not as dependant on my job and because we are trying to have a baby and I could use the benefits from my job for that at least for a few extra months. It's just hard for Miss Independent to have to take shit off anyone cause I need something from them.

Whatev, I'm just praying for freedom or bird catchers

The Peacock is Crazy!!

I call my boss a peacock cause she kinda resembles one and she’s always hopping around poking into things like a bird and frightens easily. She peaks and valleys with the crazy but today that shit is full on bananas. She always changes things around that she says to you or lies and tells you she said something when she really didn’t. But, today crazy was at an all time high. There’s some things changing with my position and she expected me to freak out about it but I didn’t and I think that annoyed her so now she’s manipulating things to make me freak out but I’m Teflon so I’m chillin’. She moved up the changes from nov-dec to a couple weeks from now and then got mad because I wasn’t freaked. I swear she told me 3 bold face lies today and turned around to tell my coworkers the truth (co-workers that I drink with on regular basis LMAO). She always makes a big deal out of stuff that has absolutely no urgency, she’s just crazy. The only person that thinks she’s normal is her “teachers pet”, my co-worker whom I can’t stand, Baby Huey. Literally 6’2 at least 260lbs and cries like her dog died everyday about something, anything no lie. My life is a reality show, for real.

Growing vs. Changing

My Ex, keeps telling me I’ve changed. I think some background is needed here, my ex and I did a 6 year bid together (LOL well it felt like jail for me ) and I was released 2 years ago. We still tolerate each other every now and then because aside from all the nastiness we are good friends, because he and I were linked through music, movies, and politics but mostly music. So we’ve been talking a lot lately about some businesses he wants to get into and he keeps telling me I’ve changed.

This all started when he realized I didn’t have Nas new cd (which I still didn’t get till last weekend) and he accused me of not loving Hip Hop anymore. He says I’m different, I’m not street anymore and my corporate job has me trippin’. I go back and forth between him being right or wrong. I mean to be honest I don’t love Hip Hop like I used to. Wow I can’t believe I wrote that, it’s sacrilegious. It more than annoys me now because of the state of things. I boycotted the radio about a year and a half ago and videos shortly after that, being that the media controlled artists have that shit on lock. I can’t see another chain, or grill or vixen it’s tiring and sad. I still try to stay on top of my game but it’s not like I used to be, I used to have quotables from anything listen worthy weeks before it dropped but now it takes me weeks to get a Nas joint? What’s really hood? Hip Hop is a huge part of me and now that it’s in the shitter and we’ve been separated for a while now (Lupe Fiasco is the one reason I haven’t filed for divorce) what does that make me today? I haven’t changed, I don’t think, my better half has.

I feel like I’m having an identity crisis every time he goes hard on me about this. Today he mentioned LL and I said James dropping a new joint is wearing me out, he said I’ve changed. 4 years ago I would have never said anything negative about LL cause I remember the good days but today I’m tired of the lip licking and the romance. I know Ladies have Loved James being that way for a long time so if he hasn’t changed does that mean I have? I’ve grown up a lot and I hoped Hip Hop would continue to grow with me but some of the shit I hear today makes me want to turn my back on it completely. This hurts too much to think about, hold ya heads…

Everything but the Right Thing

I wonder why it is that I can not do what I'm told.  Wait, seriously I sound like my mother talking to me when I was in grade school but, it's true.  I'm a card carrying procrastinator, never been to a meeting because I can never seem to leave home on timeJ.  I've written to-do lists, action plans, and agendas but I still can't kick my ass in gear, it's crazy. 

 

At first I blamed it on my problem with authority because I swear I could be so excited about doing something but the moment someone even suggests that I do it I loose all interest.  I can't have anyone telling me what to do and that shit is severe, I've even decided not to go see movies because someone said, "you have to see this movie!"  What is that?  But now I disrespect my own authority on myself!!  I tell my self, self you have to do A, B, and C this morning and I still won't do it.  I have to have freedom and the ability to go on my own steam with no rules, orders or direction.  I know this isn't realistic but a girl can dream can't she?