My Dad’s birthday is today, although I can’t see him until this weekend I called this morning to wish him well and tell him I miss him like crazy. I love my dad to pieces he’s been everything I want and didn’t know I needed since he came into our lives and I’m so grateful for that.
When we moved in with him, wow, over 10 years ago we were in such a bad place I’m shocked he stuck around with us. My Mom and I were going through what all teenaged daughters and their mother’s go through times 10 because my Mom and my real Dad had just recently split and I was carted from the south side of Chicago to the freaking boondocks in the suburbs. Culture shock is an understatement, seriously I woke up in Mayberry and I was neither happy nor quiet about it. Things were really rough those first couple years but my Dad stuck with us, we were his “girls” no matter what. The fights my Mom and I had should be recorded as some of the greatest battles in history. I got kicked out, arrested, caught up with the wrong crowds, partied all night, hardly ever went to school, fought girls, fought boys and dated all the guys that parents hope their daughters never give the time of day and he stuck by us. He was so patient and understanding because he knew how scarred we all were and now that we’re kind of better (some wounds never heal) I can fully appreciate him as my Father, no step just Father.
When my real Dad finally left it was in handcuffs. I was 13 going on 30 and I remember listening to my Mom scream up and down the street as he chased her and struck her up and down the block we’ve lived on all our lives (still do). I had my baby niece that night so by the time I realized it was her screaming I still couldn’t get to her but my brother did. He also left in handcuffs that night because he got to my Dad before the police so you can put 2 and 2 together there. All my life he had been my teacher and my best friend. My Dad and I would sit for hours on end talking about everything under the sun and then some. He taught me all he’d known about religion and race, politics, history he was an intelligent man and I admired everything about me that was remotely similar to him. He was the one who taught me the answers to all the questions I will ever have are in books. It was no secret in our family that we had a special relationship and connection he just didn’t have with the other kids, I was his baby girl. But on that day when I sat on the porch with a crying baby girl and watched my family fall apart he washed his hands of me too.
This wasn’t the first time he’d hit her but this was the first time the police knew. When I was a kid and I came home with the standard 911 emergency coloring book that teaches kids how to go for help my Dad told me if I ever called a cop to our house I’d be sorry and we all understood that. Police were a no, no. So when he used to hit her all we could do was watch, hell sometimes he made us watch. He kept guns all over the house, a shotgun at the front door in plain sight and always a handgun under his pillow. Long after he was gone we searched the house and found so many more that we had no idea he had. Still after the terror and the abuse he was still my only friend, I was too young for the most part, to know what he was really about.
So, he left. My uncles came around to make sure of that, they had no idea of the kind of life we were living he isolated her from her family and friends to the point where no body knew the real deal. I was team “Momma” all the way so there was never any question of who I’d stay with but all in all he was a bad husband to her but a good Dad to me in a sense so I still wanted him in my life. She even came to me at one point and said what’s between me and him is just that and I don’t want that shaping your decisions. He was closest to me out of the three of us so I knew for sure he’d want me but he didn’t. He didn’t call, try to see me or anything. My Granny lives literally 6 blocks from our house and he’d go there on a regular basis my Granddad said he wouldn’t even ask about me. It stings just a bit now but not really so much anymore.
So, life goes on and I grew up some more. I tried to contact him, got a cell number so I didn’t have to give out the new house number when we moved in with my other Dad but he still didn’t call. He would stop by and see my brother and sister all the time but not me. They passed along my messages and my digits and he disregarded them. Graduation and prom rolled around and I invited him but he didn’t show. Started spreading some bullshit rumor saying my Mom told him to stay away but it wasn’t true. I got really sick with kidney infections shortly after I graduated and ended up in the hospital, I called for him and he responded the first time in almost 4 years only to tell me that my Mom owes him 45k and how sneaky she is. After that I gave up. I figured if he doesn’t want me that’s cool you can’t force love on anyone so I gave up. Around that time my Dad that I live with now came to me and told me that he would be my Dad and he’s proud to be and that’s the greatest gift I’ve ever received.
My real Dad still has strong relationships with my brother and sister but he still won’t have anything to do with me. On those rare occasions we do cross paths he’s always careful to tell me as quickly as possible that he doesn’t have any money like that’s what this is about. He went to jail about 2 years ago on a bullshit charge that let him out 60 days later but the crazy thing about that is I just didn’t care. Even my Mom checked into the shit to make sure he wasn’t sitting down for some years or something but me I didn’t care in the least bit. I saw him a little while after he was released and he gave me a Biggie CD as a late Christmas gift, yeah thanks. I still don’t know why he divorced me, he was my best friend and I was caught in the middle but no child deserves to be cast off like trash. I found out recently that before he came to Chicago and met my mom, he left a wife and a family of six kids (all his biologically) in the south. I go back and forth in between wanting to contact them or not but for now I take it as consolation that I’m not the only kid he didn’t want, if that makes sense.
My Dad, my Father was at my graduation, he took pictures at my prom, drove me to college for the first time, let me cry on his shoulder when I first got my heartbroken and he’s proud of everything I’ve ever done. He is my rainbow after the storm and I can’t appreciate him enough for making me feel like somebody wanted me.
Happy Birthday Daddy, I love you too the moon and back!!!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
One Man's Trash is Another Man's Treasure
Are you happy?
When you think about your life and all you want to do and have, are you living the life you hoped for? Are you following your dreams? Are you happy?
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Confessions of a Bookworm
If I was lost on a deserted island I would want to take the complete inventory of Borders store and the contents of the Vatican Library with me. I love words, it's an obsession I have had since as far back as I can remember and the love affair has only deepened. I read at least two to three books simultaneously at all times. I keep one by my bed, one by the kitchen table and one in my purse so I always have words with me. There are no limitations on my mind when I toss it in a book. I don't need anything but words to transport me off to a far away land or back in time even into the future. I can experience life through the eyes of so many different people and walk in their shoes. Books are the greatest treasure I've ever been given, I started keeping a current list of what I'm reading over to the left so I can share the gift of words with all who care and maybe I'll get a good conversation out of the deal too.
Words To Live By
“Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see.”
Ben Franklin
Don't let anyone dictate to you your own truth. Knowledge should be sought not fed.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
In Somebody Else's Bed
It's not what you think I'm in a hotel :-)
My travels for the day are finally over and after a less than appetizing dinner from Olive Garden (WTF, I'm in Canton, OH. No disrespect Ohio dwellers) I'm ready for bed chilling watching the Notebook. Seriously I so should not be watching this right now because it breaks me apart errrtime and on top of that I'm missing my husband. I always miss him like crazy when I'm on the road. So much of our lives are wrapped up in each other it's like I'm half of me when he's not around that shit is crazy.
He did call and give me the guilt trip again a minute ago because he deals with our separations that way, no hard feelings I just know that's how he is. I try to keep my trips to two to three days tops so it's not that bad but sleeping is hard as hell with out my strength wrapped around me. Our 2 year anniversary is Saturday and it already feels like a lifetime. My girl asked me if I ever worry about it fading you know when we're 40 and tripping off the mid life and all that shit and I don't. I look forward to maturing with him, hell I look forward to helping him look for his teeth when we're 80 I just know. I just knew when we chose each other for life, he's part of me. That's the thing about love, it just turns you out.
So I have two 4 hour training sessions tomorrow so I hope my voice can hold up for the long haul. The worst part about training is the blank stares you get when you fish for feedback and questions. You just feel like a dumb ass standing there like "Questions, Comments?" *crickets* Oh and get this the training is about diversity so how bout that this little black girl training all of these people on diversity at a time like this. I'm so much younger than most of the people in the company and I have a position of authority so people already have a problem accepting me so for me to come around talking about race, ethnicity and cultural differences among others is a trip to me. That will be my little inside amusement to help me through this long day. I just realized how much more optimistic and upbeat I am when I'm on the road as opposed to being in the office with all those birds and bitches. I've never been confused at where my unhappiness in my work comes from but when I'm away I realize more and more how they affect my mood and performance. I really need to get out of there, I can't stay on the road and sacrifice my family and I can't continue to work there and sacrifice my sanity. My husband finishes school in November and following that we'll have the resources for me to pursue my dreams and that's just what I'm gonna do. We talked about again this evening and he's anxious to repay the favor for taking the lead lately while he's struggling with school. I don't plan on staying home for long though just long enough to focus 100% on building my business and my family.
So, I can't wait for November cause that's my month of happiness. My 25th B-Day squared is on the 12th and my baby will realize his dream in the last week of November. Scorpios stand y'all freaky asses up LOL
I Did Not Get It My Way
Umm the Charlotte NC airport Burger King is a stinky nasty mess and I'm putting it on blast. Seriously WTF happened to customer service? These chicks were too busy talking to each other to pick up a damn rag. I should have went to quiznos I'm trying to stay away from that killer burger "beef" anyways. And now the friggin manager is out mopping the floor while they all stand around and watch, I want to go and fire all their asses for her. All this for a hershey pie I didn't need cause the shit was room temperature. *sigh* I'm on my way to Ohio now on US Airways with no complimentary beverages. Bad travel day.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Random
I just put a thick, juicy pot roast in the oven for dinner, it's gonna be so good. And yes it is worth blogging about.
Look Out ANNNNNND a Stoolie
Shortly after I arrived at work this morning Baby Huey walked past my office door as stealth as a 6'2 250++ woman can be and scurried out of the hall door located just to the left of my door. Then she comes back in the door, and 2 seconds later the peocock comes in the door like her stupid ass stood out there and counted. She came in here trying to go a little batty on me but I answered her questions with a smile and that sweet IamMe charm and sent her on her way. Just for good measure I sent her a spreadsheet I worked on last night seconds later with a Thanks! at the end of the email. Huey has it in for me for real, and the peacock is a sheep following her emotions like they're her own.
Yesterday we were supposed to have our monthly staff meeting and the peacock canceled it via email and copied everyone in the department besides me. I didn't even say shit I just left for a long lunch and said fuck em. Please let somebody respond to one of the hundreds of resumes I've been sending off into monster land, please. They better be lucky I need health benefits for our soon to be pregnancy because I would leap out on faith and rid my self of this stress I don't need.
Oh update on the new girl, just like I suspected she is not a good fit. The first day she was here she came in to sit with me for a while so we could talk about what she does for me. I start going through all this stuff and I notice she's not writing any thing down hell she didn't even have a note pad! So I'm like okay, what have you learned so far (this was her second day and the training on the assistant position is intense) she looks at me with a blank stare and says I don't know. *crickets* So I'm like you won't really see me too much in the mornings I'm usually in about 8:45 or 9, I usually come in a little later because I stay later and plus I'm salary so the hours are more flexed. She goes yeah you probably won't see me this early no more either I live too far away to be getting up that early. *crickets* She's hourly and she starts at 8 and needs to punch in at 8. That shit is crazy and this is the candidate that the Peacock and Huey wouldn't let us interview now I see why. Usually myself or one of my counterparts will interview the assistants because they don't work for us but the work they do is "for" us. This girl they wouldn't let us interview, just told us she had the job. Seriously I'm so happy it happened like that because when she fails to retain yet another employee it won't be the black girls fault.
LOL I told her "see you tomorrow!" the other day as she was leaving for the day and she replied, yeah maybe. LMAO I'm just sitting back and watching this shit fall apart.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Kanye West Opened a Fat Burger
http://www.chicagotribune.com/entertainment/dining/chi-100708-fatburger-story,0,3826731.story
Sorry Mr. West I love you but, I'm not impressed
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Clink-Clink!
My sister called me today to tell me she'd just gotten out of jail. LMAO this girl is riding around in the suburbs with expired tags, no license and no insurance card. She didn't even know she was in jail until she got back home!! The officer tells her to follow him back to the station, then once they arrived they promptly impounded her car. Then they let her go on an i bond (I have no idea if I'm phrasing that right). The officer told her she had to show up in court on her court date or they would put a warrant out for her arrest, she says she asked the officer, you're kidding is it really that serious and after looking at her crazy for a moment he says YES!!
She got home and asked her boyfriend what an eyes bond was and he said fool you were in jail, this crazy girl didn't even know ROFL.
So in light of that story I thought of our other funny family jail moment....
My mother is probably the most law abiding citizen I know (besides the freebies she thrives on when the cashier at wal-mart forgets to charge her for something) she has never smoked, probably count the drinks she's had in her lifetime on one hand and has never ever done drugs; she's a sweetheart and super innocent and nice. So when I was about 11 and got a collect call from her to tell us she was in jail you can understand our surprise. Apparently she was down town waiting with a gang of people for the CTA bus (public transit for out-of-towners) and the bus pulls up full of people. She claims an plain clothes cop opened up the back door of the bus and started letting people on. Shortly after she got on the bus she and everyone that came on with her were hauled off the bus and put in a paddy wagon and arrested. LMAO this was NOT funny when she came home that night so we giggled and laughed in private until she got over it and now laughs at it too. The guy needless to say was not a plain clothes cop and he was also arrested. You have to know this woman to get the best of this story but trust the shit is still laugh out loud funny at every family function.
The Covenant with Black America
I made mention of The Covenant with Black America in a previous post and I wanted to provide more information on the subject for those interested.
People this is so important, we have to be INVOLVED in changing our future don't be a spectator today you can change someones life, volunteer, sponsor a little brother or sister, tutor, visit with your elders, help your community programs, take a few hours and give it to the People. The web offers so many opportunities to find volunteer projects all over the country, choose to improve.
This is the address to CWBA:
http://www.covenantwithblackamerica.com/involved/individuals/alert/
One of the ways you can get involved is by sending letters to your elected officials directly from the site above. I have pasted a copy of the generic letter below to give you a better idea of the contract.
I can't stress enough how important it is to hold your local officials to the nose on these issues, politics aside if a community elects an alderman or representative they have an obligation to that community to provide improvement and change. Hold them accountable, make sure they are aware of the issues important to Us. And if and when that fails results form your own committee of concerned community members and focus on change yourself.
******************************************************************************
Subject: Covenant with Black America
Dear [Lawmaker]:
Earlier this year, the Covenant with Black America captured the attention of millions of people who feel it is time to pay attention to advancing a policy agenda that will make this country live up to its promise. We hope that you will use your power and influence to help eliminate devastating racial disparities--from health care to housing, education to economic parity, criminal justice to civil rights--so that we can create a society that truly provides opportunity for all.
All across America, Black people are struggling to live courageous and fulfilled lives in communities that are under-funded, neglected, and seemingly forgotten. We know that together, we can do better. As an official elected to serve and protect our interests, we ask that you promote the policies that are outlined in depth in the Covenant with Black America. We hope you will read the book and ask your staffs to read it as well. The book contains the facts regarding each of the areas highlighted below as well as examples of what individuals and communities are already doing to achieve these goals and a suggested policy agenda for each area. Please join The Covenant movement and advance policies that:
- Secure the Right to Healthcare and Well-Being, including universal access to health insurance, and support for policies that promote healthy communities and lifestyles;
- Establish a System of Public Education in which All Children Achieve at High Levels and Reach Their Full Potential, including universal access to high quality early education and after school programs;
- Correct the System of Unequal Justice in which African-Americans are disproportionately incarcerated, including reforming the juvenile justice system and providing effective programs to support those returning to community from jails and prisons;
- Foster Accountable Community-Centered Policing that attracts those who respectfully serve all communities and maintain safety;
- Ensure Broad Access to Affordable Neighborhoods that Connect to Opportunity, including more public transit linking low-income residents to good jobs throughout the region, enforcement of Fair Housing Policies, and promotion of mixed-income neighborhoods;
- Claim our Democracy, enforce voting rights laws, and promote broad participation in the democratic process;
- Strengthen our Rural Roots, support small farmers, and expand economic opportunity in rural communities;
- Promote Good Jobs, Wealth Building, and Economic Opportunity so that no one is left behind;
- Ensure Environmental Safety and Justice for All Communities;
- Close the Racial Digital Divide and support universal broadband access for all communities.
Thank you for joining this effort and expect to hear from us as specific opportunities to advance The Covenant goals emerge.
Sincerely,
Your name
Your street address
City, State Zip
************************************************************************************
Also I have included a link to Volunteer Match, this is a great tool I have used successfully to find projects and areas where I can help. Even if you only have a few hours a week it can make a difference.
http://www.volunteermatch.org/
For those of your involved with churches and religious organizations, talk with your church leaders about organizing food drives, career and job search seminars, neighborhood clean ups and youth outreach.
We all are responsible and We all have an obligation to secure Our future. Do your part, simple as that.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Don't Touch My S**t Pt. 2
Me:
What happened to my scratch off ticket I won 4 dollars on that?
My husband:
Man I cashed that shit in a long time ago.
Me:
*SMDH*
Obama vs. McCain vs. Us
I see the wires are already buzzing about the debate yesterday so I thought I would dedicate one post to this election.
If you notice I try very hard to stay away from politics in this blog, 1. Because I try not to avoid disagreements about those things and 2. I am a bit hard to understand in that arena because of the beliefs and views I have.
I don't trust politicians; Black, white or whatever I don't trust them. I am however pleasantly surprised and a bit confused as to how a Black man could and has gotten to the final race and because of that this race intrigues me. Don't get me wrong I am not taking away from him in any way. I think he deserves the spot he has worked for but I can not ignore the realistic view of america and how Our people are treated here. Everyday this country turns a blind eye to injustice and at the same time this country allows a Black man to possibly control it; I'm sorry if that's suspect to me but it is.
But here is the fact of the matter, there are hundreds of thousands of little black faces looking to him with hope that I have wished for them for a long time. Growing up in this society is hard for Our children. REAL role models are few and far between and the media projects so many negative and derogatory images on these kids it's a battle for them to find an identity in all that and it's sad. I have in the past attacked BET and still do for this fact alone. But regardless of who he is and what he will be and become the fact still stands that my nephews can see in him that you can reach higher than the studio and higher than the rim. That's what's important to me so that's what I will focus on.
Anyone involved with or working with a government with it's foot on my neck I don't trust. A government that allows the media to run rampant with negative images, propaganda, blatant racism, consumerism promotion, intellectual starvation and demoralization is not a government with my best interest at heart. And I do believe that that's where the brunt of america's problems originate. To see that neither candidate has addressed this from what I know (I could be wrong and I'm okay with that if you want to call me on it) makes me sad.
Part of the reason this country is in this financial state because of consumerism and I am guilty of that too. Everyone is searching and craving this "american dream" so We buy the house We couldn't afford in two lifetimes and the cars We don't need. This culture thrives on big bigger biggest and now We must reap what We sowed. I have heard the finger pointing going every which way to the banks that allowed the loans when they new they shouldn't, the mortgage companies, real estate market and so on but how about pointing the finger back at Us.
What makes you want that big house? So much that you would go into a contract knowing you can't hold up your end. What makes you rack up credit card debt till your eyes cross when you know your annual salary can't cover the bill. Why do We do these things, I have a theory maybe it's what We see, hear and are told. Who says to be respected and have status you have to have a fancy house and nice car? When did substance go out the window? I turn on the TV and see expensive things I can't afford, I'm assaulted with commercials and ads for all this shit I HAVE to have and then I turn to the news to learn what drugs I need to be on, that black men are still scary and coffee which would do wonders for my heart yesterday will kill me 20 years premature today.
The country in a whole is in turmoil but individual decisions have created crisis on a local level. We make the decision not to save money (and when I say We I mean Us not them remember that for future reference if you're going to read what I write) We make the decision to fall into the credit trap and We live beyond our means. I do understand the job shortage but at the same time that's not a cop out either. We make the decision to take the money We earn outside of the community and give it back to them, We could have made the decision to keep that money amongst Us and created our own jobs but lack of trust of one another, lack of the "leader" We don't need and the media made Us choose not to do that. Obama is a leader, obviously, but it saddens me that still after all these years of struggle for a people that has proved resilient and intelligent enough to survive still feels We need one man to tell Us things can change.
I walk through my neighborhood and see Obama t-shirts, buttons, flip flops (seriously) and I’m so perplexed why did it take so long if We can come together like this why did We wait. Is it solely on the strength of him? That’s a lot of weight for one man to carry no matter how great. I don’t want a quick fix because slapping a band aid on a wound this big would be a futile gesture but I don’t want bullshit promises either. You know that statement JFK made ask not what your country can do for you yadda yadda yadda, it takes on a whole new meaning for me now that I’m older. I don’t care what Obama or McCain can do for my people I only care about what I can do for them. I care about all of Us making a conscious decision to dedicate themselves to Us and fixing Us the right way. Politicians and presidents have came and went but We still have a horrible financial methods, our homes are still broken, our children are still lost and We still don’t trust each other enough to (as a majority) choose to patronize a Black business before another. There is no fucking way those of Asian and European decent should be able to come into our neighborhoods and set up shop (wow I’m getting heated but I will let it flow). This is not because I’m racist by any means, it’s because I’m upset that there is a gapping whole in Our community’s economy for them to move in. We should own the restaurants, bodegas, corner stores, and clothing stores in our own neighborhoods. There is no fucking way Our boys and men should have this major negative view of Our females. But We do nothing to stop the ass shaking and booty popping plastered all over pop culture, We say nothing to these TV stations that are supposed to be Ours. Martin shut down a whole transit bus system and We can’t shut BET down till they switch their style up? We complain about how hard it is for the Black man in this society but We won’t sacrifice trying to keep up with the Jones to save the money to create business and jobs to employ them.
For too long We have complained and complained about what’s wrong but We need to turn the onus back on ourselves and bear that burden till We fix it. Tavis Smiley had the right idea with the Covenant but We can’t come together to get behind it. And it doesn’t have to be a collective, one by one We can change Our lives. I think that Obama represents a lot of what We need to see today but he is not THE answer, no one man is. Do I believe what he says he can and will do, no. Do I hope a pray every night that he can and will do what he says, you damn right. This one fact worries me, if he doesn’t win (which doesn’t seem likely but hypothetically) or if he doesn’t do what he says what will We do? Will We go back to waiting for this “leader” or will We continue to believe in change? Politicians have made Us promises before time and time again and I can’t understand why We have yet to stop depending on them and depend on Us. I wish, as talented We are, that We used our individual skills selflessly for one night a week. If you’re into finance give a budgeting and credit seminar for the neighborhood. Can you cook? Make breakfast or lunch for the kids in the neighborhood who come home to an empty house cause mom and dad are working. Can you build things, good with your hands? Start your own community reform. See where I’m going with this. We don’t need anybody to help Us We possess power, creativity, and intelligence in volumes.
Now I am anti-politics but I will urge each and every one of you to vote for somebody, I won’t endorse one or the other because I hope that We are not being told who to vote for because that defeats the purpose. I want everyone to look at the issues, the platforms, watch the debates, listen to the speeches and make a decision out of intelligence not out of the thought process of the masses. There are a great number of people who shed blood to give you the right to vote so you should accept that and view it as a gift.
Forgetting the past will only leave you empty don’t let them make you forget under the illusion of controlled freedom, fight because They did for you. This battle is far from won.
*Side Note* I posted this and then read my quote of the day to the left, crazy right? Check it out.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Blue Weekend
This was a blue weekend. I was super tired from the frenzy of training on Wed. and Thurs. so I slept away most of Friday and Saturday. But to make my weekend truly blue my Aunt came to visit 2 weeks late and that was a dirty trick. Secret out in the open, my husband and I have been trying for our first child since April of this year. I nixed the birth control at the end of March and we commenced the baby making. Unfortunately I never realized how painful this process is. It fucks with your mind, I've been on the pill for a little less than 10 years and my doctor explained the possibilities of how long it will actually take for my cycle to begin functioning normally without the pill. She told me it could take as long as a year or as short as a month but it's different for everybody. To prepare my body she put me on prenatal vitamins and I've been taking those plus another herbal supplement recommended to me that takes the place of birth control naturally regulating my cycle. So, after all this information and preparation I am fully aware of the time this may take but I still keep getting so frustrated.
I'm 25 and healthy and my husband is 27 so every time I even make mention of the disappointment I feel every month to the few people who know we're trying they always say, "don't worry about it you and your husband are healthy and young you won't have any problems" and brush it off like I'm tripping but this shit is really affecting me. My sister has two children and she keeps telling me to just not think about it, What?!?!? how do I just forget about it when this is something that we want so badly? Every time my monthly comes it's painful, because that's like a rude awakening to the fact that, nope it still didn't happen this time guys better luck next time. I always feel like I've failed, like I'm here for this reason and we did the right thing and waited till we were ready and anxious even and I can't do this. I doubt my womanhood and that's something I've never done before. How can one routine event, THE feminine monthly occurrence make me feel like less of a woman?
I feel so bad for my boo because sometimes I feel like he's an innocent bystander in the situation because it's like he does his part and it's left up to me, then when it doesn't happen he's there to pick up my pieces. The first 2 months he would check the calendars with me (we're tracking ovulation with calendars and numbers) and play the waiting game to see if my monthly would come. Now he's kind of backed off that portion and he only talks about it up until the ovulation date, then he leaves me alone. Knowing him it's because he doesn't want to add pressure to the situation by asking if it came or not. But then I feel like I'm not being fair to him because I know he's just as disappointed as I am every time, I want to try to be there for him like he is for me but I know I'm not.
So, this go round I was 11 days late. Honestly I didn't have any big expectations for this one because he and I had a falling out the week of ovulation and he was soooooo on punishment for like 3 days but when I checked the calendar and realized (because although it is infuriating I took my sister's advice to try to forget about it because I need all the help I can get) I was on my 9th day with no Auntie in sight, I let myself get carried away. I didn't tell my husband but I thought I was so sure (well I have all five times at this point) so Friday comes and boom it hits, no warning pain no mood swings, body aches, back aches nothing. It was like a fucking sneak attack and my world fell. I've never been that late before. I tried to play the tough roll like I always do and I just told him that it was a no-go for this time around too. He didn't push me for details or try to talk about it because he knows me too well not to know that would hurt to talk about but I still ended up on the couch most of Saturday crying. That put him in a tough situation because he wanted to stay with me but I sent him to work and cried it out by myself.
Every time I wish for the best, I try to eat the right foods and take care of my body right but something doesn't click. The only reason I'm blogging about this is because I can't talk about this weekend to anyone that knows because they'll just say I'm being silly and to give it time and I just don't want to hear that anymore. We'll keep trying because I know it's meant to be but I can't help being a little impatient to start our family. I'm so blue.
Wow, this shit should be recorded because this is the most I have opened up about this situation since we started trying. I try not to talk about something so private to us because if you read any of the above you can see that I'm all full up on emotion and I don't need anyone pissing me off and telling me I'm tripping to add to my mood right now. Oh well tomorrow's another day and another opportunity and we'll keep trying. I know in my heart it's meant to be and I know it has been since I first laid eyes on him I just have to be patient. *sigh
P.S. I'm tripping because who'd have thunk it, that I would be sitting sad and wishing for minivans and car seats. I've never been this girl, matter fact I've never wanted to be this girl. Look how love got me acting *SMDH*
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Dear Summer,
The leaves are falling there's a chill in the air and it's dark at 6:30pm; Chicago is cooling off. *sigh*
I wanted to take a moment to remember all the things that made my summer in no particular rhyme or reason:
1. Moving, yay us because after so many fights with the management company that leased the place my next step was probably to throw a trash can through their office window like I'm in Do the Right Thing. For real y'all this was the worst apartment I have had to date. The place was nice exactly what I wanted but I couldn't get important shit like ummm HEAT among other things. It was bad.
2. My husband's birthday weekend DAWG! Guess you had to be there but yeah that was definitly a highlight of the summer and probably all time.
3. Getting promo'd to Manager yay me still shining through the storm and getting mine. Can't nobody say I'm not a professional I don't care what that bitch trying to portray me as.
4. The beauty that is my family around 11:30pm on the 4th gone off a well stocked open bar. Keyshia Cole ain't got shit on me, trust. But we have a good time though and it's all love.
5. The Taste of Chicago, never gets old.
6. Shopping on State and Michigan comfortably, ditto. (Damn Macy's ruined State for me though, Carson's is gone too. Oh and they closed the Garrett's on Michigan, Daley really needs to start getting my approval on this shit for real. I run this city don't I? Oh wait no I just run my mouth *SMH)
7. Every dress, every sandal, every pair of shorts I could go on but you get it.
8. My baby niece and nephew's second and third birthday parties in June. It's Sydney's party she can cry if she want to. Wait she cried through both parties but that's okay she's a princess she can do what she wants.
9. My niece and nephew's eleventh and thirteenth birthday parties in September. My brother and sister apparently have their kids on a cycle of some sort. Yeah my baby girl turning thirteen kind of messed me up for a minute she's growing up.
10. Losing Cleo and finding Cleo.
11. All of my father's shows I was able to attend.
12. Family zoo day with my mom
13. Nightlife in Chicago and being able to leave the house in a dress and carrying only ID
14. Going all trading spaces and creating my niece a princess room with under 100 dollars. We spent the whole day (me, my mom, and my sister) searching through thrift stores and goodwill's for treasure and redecorated her room in pinks, purples, and yellows.
15. Chopping all my hair off into the cute neck length bob I'm rocking. I've never done anything that drastic my hair has been the same length (about 3 inches past my shoulders) since I was a kid. So to cut my hair so short was like a rebellion, against what I have no idea but, I felt like such a badass with newly short hair. (I'm growing it back out now though)
16. Losing 23 pounds and yet still maintaining the bounce. At my heaviest I was 168 and trust people this is coming from a girl that was 98 pounds soaking wet with Timb's on until she was 22. But now I am comfortable hovering around 140 give or take a pound or the trips to Chicago's Chicken and Waffles. And, I was determined not to lose my curves so the booty is still intact.
17. Countless nights on the back porch with my hubby a bottle of Pinot Noir for me and vodka martinis for him, the fur balls, music and just us.
18. UV rays (they get such a bad rap)
19. Dining al fresco wherever but my fave is Uncle Julio's
I'm sure there are memories I'm missing but I will miss this summer and every one I've been fortunate enough to live. So bring on the snow, sleet and hail Chicago, even though I know she'll throw in a few more nice days before Halloween so we don't feel too bad about it. I love it when she does that :-)
Don't Touch My S**t
My husband and I just had a knock down drag out fight because he skipped my show on the DVR and I'm pissed. I never have control of the TV so I DVR the stuff I like and watch it when he's gone, I let him have full remote control and this fool got the nerve to skip my shit. Then he gonna lie and say he didn't do it, that's alright I skipped all of the boxing he has saved. I know I'll feel bad and put it back tommorow but whatever. LOL and as I'm calming down I do realize that we just went to war over the damn DVR.
"And we still together!" In living color get up on dat
