This was a blue weekend. I was super tired from the frenzy of training on Wed. and Thurs. so I slept away most of Friday and Saturday. But to make my weekend truly blue my Aunt came to visit 2 weeks late and that was a dirty trick. Secret out in the open, my husband and I have been trying for our first child since April of this year. I nixed the birth control at the end of March and we commenced the baby making. Unfortunately I never realized how painful this process is. It fucks with your mind, I've been on the pill for a little less than 10 years and my doctor explained the possibilities of how long it will actually take for my cycle to begin functioning normally without the pill. She told me it could take as long as a year or as short as a month but it's different for everybody. To prepare my body she put me on prenatal vitamins and I've been taking those plus another herbal supplement recommended to me that takes the place of birth control naturally regulating my cycle. So, after all this information and preparation I am fully aware of the time this may take but I still keep getting so frustrated.
I'm 25 and healthy and my husband is 27 so every time I even make mention of the disappointment I feel every month to the few people who know we're trying they always say, "don't worry about it you and your husband are healthy and young you won't have any problems" and brush it off like I'm tripping but this shit is really affecting me. My sister has two children and she keeps telling me to just not think about it, What?!?!? how do I just forget about it when this is something that we want so badly? Every time my monthly comes it's painful, because that's like a rude awakening to the fact that, nope it still didn't happen this time guys better luck next time. I always feel like I've failed, like I'm here for this reason and we did the right thing and waited till we were ready and anxious even and I can't do this. I doubt my womanhood and that's something I've never done before. How can one routine event, THE feminine monthly occurrence make me feel like less of a woman?
I feel so bad for my boo because sometimes I feel like he's an innocent bystander in the situation because it's like he does his part and it's left up to me, then when it doesn't happen he's there to pick up my pieces. The first 2 months he would check the calendars with me (we're tracking ovulation with calendars and numbers) and play the waiting game to see if my monthly would come. Now he's kind of backed off that portion and he only talks about it up until the ovulation date, then he leaves me alone. Knowing him it's because he doesn't want to add pressure to the situation by asking if it came or not. But then I feel like I'm not being fair to him because I know he's just as disappointed as I am every time, I want to try to be there for him like he is for me but I know I'm not.
So, this go round I was 11 days late. Honestly I didn't have any big expectations for this one because he and I had a falling out the week of ovulation and he was soooooo on punishment for like 3 days but when I checked the calendar and realized (because although it is infuriating I took my sister's advice to try to forget about it because I need all the help I can get) I was on my 9th day with no Auntie in sight, I let myself get carried away. I didn't tell my husband but I thought I was so sure (well I have all five times at this point) so Friday comes and boom it hits, no warning pain no mood swings, body aches, back aches nothing. It was like a fucking sneak attack and my world fell. I've never been that late before. I tried to play the tough roll like I always do and I just told him that it was a no-go for this time around too. He didn't push me for details or try to talk about it because he knows me too well not to know that would hurt to talk about but I still ended up on the couch most of Saturday crying. That put him in a tough situation because he wanted to stay with me but I sent him to work and cried it out by myself.
Every time I wish for the best, I try to eat the right foods and take care of my body right but something doesn't click. The only reason I'm blogging about this is because I can't talk about this weekend to anyone that knows because they'll just say I'm being silly and to give it time and I just don't want to hear that anymore. We'll keep trying because I know it's meant to be but I can't help being a little impatient to start our family. I'm so blue.
Wow, this shit should be recorded because this is the most I have opened up about this situation since we started trying. I try not to talk about something so private to us because if you read any of the above you can see that I'm all full up on emotion and I don't need anyone pissing me off and telling me I'm tripping to add to my mood right now. Oh well tomorrow's another day and another opportunity and we'll keep trying. I know in my heart it's meant to be and I know it has been since I first laid eyes on him I just have to be patient. *sigh
P.S. I'm tripping because who'd have thunk it, that I would be sitting sad and wishing for minivans and car seats. I've never been this girl, matter fact I've never wanted to be this girl. Look how love got me acting *SMDH*