Saturday, September 27, 2008

Apple to Tree Ratio

A survey I posted a while back and a situation that exploded in my house last night made me realize something about myself. I have a lot of rage in me. I recently realized how many of my emotions, sadness, hurt, fear, uncertainty and the list goes on, I can turn into rage or anger and that’s crazy because I considered myself a happy person. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism, because I have been told many times that I can be defensive. As much as I don’t want to I can’t help but relate the rage and anger I have realized I create to my father. It’s not a secret to anyone that knows my family that my brother and I inherited the notorious temper of my father. I know how far I can go when provoked and I am well aware of what it takes from someone else to get me there but to realize I’m creating those feelings out of other emotions is a scary thought.

Just recently, the why of this I haven’t yet figured out, I’ve found myself wanting to understand him more. I’ve been thinking about all the questions and doubt I have had for so long more often but only just recently have I actually wanted answers. I can’t help but think that this revelation I have had about myself is a way of the universe providing me with a piece of what I have been asking for. All my life I believed him to be this angry, vengeful person. And I believed those flaws came from selfishness and just pure nastiness but I never thought that maybe that was his defensive mechanism too. Maybe he channeled his feelings into that temper like I do. It’s crazy to be so much like him, I’ve always recognized the similarities cause shit he has my face or vice versa, but character traits and flaws, mannerisms, motives those are the things that freak me out. Because I’m taking this enlightenment as a gift it gives me hope that the questions I have will be answered or at least explained enough so I can put them to rest but, they will come in their own time and fashion. I can’t rush it, or force it, or get mad because I don’t know right now cause it will be a waste of time. I’ll take that connection between me and him and try to understand his ways, and maybe even eventually be a peace with it.


clnmike said...

Your ahead of the game since you understand where it's coming from and why.

Kiayaphd said...

The way we express our anger is not genetic; it's not something to be passed down like eye color or height. It is learned behavior; which means in my mind, I can learn to express my feelings in a more healthy way.

I also struggle with managing my anger. I LEARNED how to rage and be aggressive at home, just like you. I am learning to identify my triggers and take control over how I express myself because I really don't want to grow into an old bitter woman.

The day I figured out that I don't have to be that angry, aggressive person, was the first day of the best years of my life.