Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Pimp Down!!

So I didn't make it through work today, and if you have been reading the previous posts, you can understand why I don't feel bad for leaving early. I feel like crap and I took theraflu but it's not making me feel better. I absolutely HATE being sick because I get ugly sick. I try to stay away from people when I'm sick because y'all, I get UGLY sick. So ugly that I have to tell this story to explain. When I turned 21 and I needed my license renewed I kept putting it off and putting it off until the deadline hit and my Mom gave me the Mrs. Boss stare down and told me to get my ass to the secretary of state immediately. Well on this particular day I was just on the other side of a battle with the stomach flu (and actually this post is therapeutic because I remember that shit and I thought for a while there, as I was hugging the toilet and camping on the bathroom floor, that I would die and it kind of makes this feel like cake). So, I'm busted, y'all BUSTED standing in the Secretary of State with the chills shivering like Halle in Loosing Isiah to get my new picture taken with the over 21 background. Long story short my ugly sick face was forever captured in the State of Illinois database and on my license.

So now every time I go out and the bouncer checks my ID at the door it never fails, they always look at the picture and at me and back at the picture and say "Damn". It's so bad that I'm like embarrassed to show it in stores when they ask for my ID for credit card purchases. I was in the airport just recently and a friendly security guy was flirting with me while checking my ticket and ID to go through security, he was in the middle of another compliment when his eyes fell on that picture and his eyes snapped back up to my face and this fool had the nerve to ask had I had surgery! About a year ago I lost my purse in the midst of a shopping frenzy in Target and after I cried my damsel in distress act in the parking lot it dawned on me like hey, stupid you lost that horrible license you get to get a new one. So my husband and I went to the Secretary of State and I got extra fly, did my hair cute. Got the most of the money I've given Sephora and did a professional worthy make-up look that would work well with the exceptional lighting they use to take the license photos. So I get up to the counter and the old hag at that station asked what I wanted, looks at me from head to toe and says "You know you can't take a new picture for a lost license, right?" I fronted like I knew that and I actually get this perfect to run errands all the time, flashed her a patented black girl thank-you-bitch smile and moved on. My husband laughed at me the whole way out of the place cause my fly pretty ass just went and picked up an ugly ass license. Damn Secretary of State.

So here's to my immune system, may it get it's shit together soon so I can go outside again without the fear of scaring small children.