Thursday, September 25, 2008

The Blame Game

Few people blame themselves until they have exhausted all other possibilities. Francis Duffy

Accepting blame is a hard thing to do. I’ve only recently, after 20 some odd years of living, began to start looking at the girl in the mirror while (and notice I said while) placing the blame on someone else. With every action there is a reaction and with every effect there has to be a cause so most of the time when something has “happened” to me in my life I am wise enough now to begin to see the part I played in the series of events. I’m really good at crying the blues. I’m not sorry about that but it is something that I know I do it’s a character trait. I’m the baby of my immediate family and the youngest of most of my first and second cousins and because of this most of my family members especially the men treat me like a baby. I honestly don’t remember when I stopped using that to my advantage out of reflex or purpose but however so, it works when I cry people come running. I think because I’ve been doing this for so long apparently I’m good at it because I have the same effect on boyfriends and friends. Even now with my husband we could fight about something that I’m completely to blame for and I cry damsel in distress and POOF he’s apologizing. But see I realized that this doesn’t necessarily work in my advantage because I can’t grow from that. I hardly ever had to accept blame or fault for my actions, it was always someone else’s fault because they should have been watching me or told me better. I have been taught remorse and humility well, because even though I was raised spoiled my mother and father also raised me with values, but it’s one thing to learn and another to experience.

The lessons that I have learned the best have been those that came with living with “tough shit that’s the way it is so deal” situations. The strongest lessons have been those that no body could swoop in and save me from, the ones that I had to deal with and accept the role that I played in their occurrence. Before I fell madly in love with my husband I was extremely guarded and I almost missed my mate because of it. I carried a wall around me because I was so scarred by my ex and the relationship we had. In the 6 years we spent together there were so many fights, cheating, hurtful words and actions and everything that love is not that you can think of. Most of the things were performed by him; I was devoted, dedicated, loyal and even doting at times, accepting everything he did. After so much hurt and embarrassment I finally broke it off and that was that but I still carried around all of the past around me like a shield and trust it was visible for miles, I blamed him for that. We have since dealt with the pass and buried it. I needed to close that off from my heart and with that came a couple conversations with him just getting it all off my chest. He apologized and rightfully so, the person that he was, we were, he isn’t any more and he realizes now he was wrong. But after I gave myself the freedom of forgiving him I came to the realization that I was to blame in the situation as well. When he cheated I could have walked but I stayed. When he did awful things to me that fucked with my spirit and self esteem I could have left him but I didn’t. He told me through his actions with a volume equivalent of him screaming it through a megaphone that he was no good for me and I needed to leave but I didn’t listen, and for that I am to blame. A person can only do to you what you allow, in most situations. But back to the quote that sparked this blog today excepting blame is important but I think there is something purely humane in learning to share the burden in addition to forgiving those who have wronged you.